The Choice: C-Section vs. VBAC

Someone recently heard how I’ve previously had two emergency C-sections and am now going for my third C-section, this time a scheduled one, and they said, “She just can’t catch a break.” What I have learned from my eleven pregnancies is that regardless of how I give birth, the process always has the potential to be beautiful and magical. I no longer fall into the trap of thinking my birth story can’t or won’t be beautiful just because of how it takes place. Which is why, this time, I feel it so important to reclaim what I can. But let me back up a bit . . .

​My first birth was a vaginal induction of our daughter Kaia, born at twenty-four weeks. The first birth of one of my living children was of our son Case via forceps. I then had an emergency C-section due to a placental abruption and gave birth to my daughter Maelie. I had another vaginal induction of our son Jude, born at twenty-one weeks. Our last daughter, Ayda, was born via emergency C-section, as she did not recover from decelerations. She was my most traumatic birth, as before I went under anesthesia, I no longer saw or heard her heartbeat, and when I woke up, she was not there. She was next door safely in my husband’s arms, but I thought I had lost her. All of my living children’s heartbeats dropped significantly low when they were being born. All our births happened fast and were chaotic. I often wonder, with more time and relaxation and progression, that maybe my babies could have got in the optimal position and my body in the best state to deliver. I will never know, as I always ran to the hospital in such fear because of all our losses, seven in total.

I just always want the safety of my baby above all else. I am grateful for all my living babies, but I’ve also often downplayed the traumas that came with each of their births. I often had pre-partum depression, in constant worry of them, but once they were alive and in my arms those feelings dissipated.

So right now, my options are for a vaginal birth after delivery (VBAC) or another C-section, either planned or in an emergency situation, if needed. With a VBAC, I find the recovery is so much better. If I go with a VBAC, I know I might still end up needing an emergency C-section and I could have prevented it, but I also want my body to do what it should be able to do. But there is also, more importantly, a risk to the baby that I can’t undo. I wish I could visualize a VBAC, but it’s hard. I’ve never been able to plan for it.

Something about having a vaginal delivery with my first baby just felt so comforting in my mind, but I must remember that’s all for me and not the baby. I do feel I was lucky enough to have the experience of vaginal births with three of my babies, and my TFMRs (Terminating a Pregnancy for Medical Reasons) still count, not to mention all of my labours through miscarriage. I still had to labour those losses.

​As for a planned C-section, it would be booked two weeks earlier than the baby’s due date because of my abruptions in the past. It might eliminate some risk to the baby, but the same can be said with any birth plan, I suppose; there’s always a risk to baby. With a planned C-section, my husband and I could get a hotel room the night before and just try to make it the best experience it can be. I guess there is also the possibility of a gentle C-section, allowing the baby to pick the due date if I go into labour naturally and then having a C-section. This ensures my body is ready.

Currently, my baby is breech, but that could change. Our plan, as of now, is that I’m being booked for a C-section at thirty-eight weeks. My baby being in the breech position helpsmake the decision of C-section or VBAC for me. Both mydoctor and I agreed that if I go into labour before the thirty-eight weeks, depending how everything goes, I will try to deliver vaginally, of course with close monitoring on how everything is progressing. But my doctor also said that she doesn’t think she can get me relaxed enough, even if I want a VBAC. I still would prefer a VBAC, but I also feel good about getting scheduled for a C-section. Whatever comes first is how it is supposed to be, and I’m saying it’s baby’s choice! 

I still can’t help dreaming of that beautiful birth story, but I’m also really coming to terms with the C-section and being empowered in knowing I can go in relaxed and rested. So, I think that’s my biggest focus right now, getting myself in the best state physically and mentally before the C-section. This time I will not say yes to students in the room, as I’ve previously always welcomed them in the room and would talk their ears off rather than focus on the birth. I also have control, in a sense, and can push for dim lights, calming music, familiar smells, my husband with me, communication on what is happening, pictures taken, and uninterrupted skin-to-skin contact as soon as my baby is born. Things I’ve never had or knew I could have before. Having this birth plan makes me feel empowered, listened to, and respected.

I want to allow myself to feel the most comforted and supported. I want to look at things I can do now to support myself and my family when the time comes. While I can't control everything, it is nice to look at what I do have control over so I can make choices that support the outcomes I want.

I’ll always be grateful to be at the hospital, where we will feel safe in getting our babies out safely. My husband doesn’t want to risk anything. And because sometimes I wish there was someone mothering me, this time I got a doula to do just that. There is control and comfort in doing what I can do to bring this baby here safely. Though I yelp at the thought of my recoveryfrom a C-section, I’m at a place in my journey where taking chances has never and will never feel like an option for me.

Nothing ever went to plan for us. But this time I will trust the process. I just have to let myself release and feel ease about it all, removing fear for now. The bottom line is that I have to do whatever feels right to me. Whether that means labouring and having a VBAC or having a scheduled C-section, either way is amazing because I have still created a whole human and am giving birth to them no matter which way I do it. Either way I go will be incredible.

​In the end, I went to my special tree and asked it, “What does baby want?” What came up was just trusting what comes. If the baby comes early, I will trust that my baby wants to pick their own birthday. If baby waits for the induction date, it means we will go to the hotel before heading to the hospital, enjoying each other with shawarma and massages and getting me in the best state possible. Whatever happens, it will be the best thing for this baby and I’m trusting it’s what my babe wants. They will write their own birth story.