What If We Never Lost At All?
This was my thought at 3:30 a.m. And I’m not sure what it is I am poetically trying to get at exactly, but here goes…
My pregnancy journey really has been beautiful. I don’t diminish any one of my babies; they have all been equally important in creating our family. But . . . what if we never lost at all? What if we were always complete? What if we gained with each loss? What if it advanced us or made us grow? This thought felt so much more profound through my sleep deprived-ness last night.
One year ago, I released a baby story into the universe, birthed it so to speak, and in it I wrote how Ayda completed us. And now, we don’t need another baby to heal, fix, or transform us; we have already trusted that all of our babies have transformed us. Then I realized that not just all my babies have transformed us, but you all have as well, other loss families.
One year ago, this Instagram platform grew out of a loss, and started a capsule for our family with others on a similar path. I think it has been this connection with other people on a similar journey that has transformed me too. Each one of you has been important in growing me, through our connection and shared stories. And yet no story is ever really done or complete.There are just too many colours out there.
I always say how all our losses make up the colours of the rainbow, drawing our families, portraying all the colours. Yet I now write “Dear Last Rainbow Baby” in my journal, which feels so final, but it only continues our own story with hope. Maybe none of my babies ever came after loss, only after gaining …
With each one of my babies we gained. And we continue to gain; no loss or baby was more than or less than. And now you all are such a huge part of our family too, of our story. We have gained you too. Our story never ends with a rainbow, it begins with one.
I am transformed, carried, held, released by all of you. I knew when I put my book out there I wanted to convey how there is no conclusion, because grief doesn’t end. Yet this pregnancy feels like such a symbolic conclusion in the cycle, of me wanting to end on joy, but we always end on joy because we have always started with it.
So again, I think we are all a piece of this cosmic thread, that is stitched not to completion but to creation. Our journey of gaining eleven souls really is beautiful, I promise. So maybe we never lost. Maybe we only gained.
Every one of us is shining when we are created, and that’s just what all of us will continue to do.
