Permission to Complain
~ I remember women before me saying pregnancy is hard or I felt the best while I was pregnant. ~
Right now I’m having my own experience…Remembering “This too will pass” & if I’m not always the best pregnant women, it doesn’t mean I won’t be the best mama for this baby.
Loss mamas don’t always feel the right to complain as we used to feel pain everytime we seen strollers everywhere that we weren’t pushing. Yet we couldn’t feel like we could tell people that either.
It sucks so much what we have to go through & then we compare ourselves always in the “it could be worse category”…Complaining when this is all you ever wanted, doesn’t mean it’s still not what you always wanted!
You’ve just been here before your body has been through the nausea, the exhaustion, the delivery etc. & to do it all again is mentally & physically hard when you didn’t get to have your baby & are still unsure if you will.
We’ve had to hold in so much & have had so much taken.
Looking Back: I never really complained as I was always grateful even more so because of our losses. This time it goes against the grain for me to openly enjoy & openly say ya it’s rough most days… my aunt recently said it so simply, “you are allowed to complain!”
I’m doing well, I really am but I am not feeling the “best I ever did while I was pregnant” as some women explain but have to remember this is them recounting the experience…not currently in it.
Today I am crampy, gag on my coffee & toothbrush, I’m tired, I wake up to go pee I can’t sleep and get comfy & pee after peeing but it’s all part of it & know “you just wait for the newborn phase” this is just getting me ready & I’m so grateful for that stage & cry such joy every time I get kicked in the ribs. I feel you! Pregnancy symptoms are just temporary nuances that we don’t have to enjoy & may laugh at & miss. I roll my eyes fighting the urge to have to wake up to pee or roll over 590 times a night it’s kind of funny but not always fun!
Truth: I used to get upset with friends complaining about their pregnancies because…”at least your pregnant”, but they were allowed to complain because that’s where they were they weren’t always thinking about our loss they were living & feeling their own experience as we all are & should.
We are human…It feels so wrong me complaining it always has. How could I of all people complain? This time I’m feeling it I’m uncomfortable, it’s been my hardest pregnancy & it may be my best in that I’ve really felt it all…every twinge & I do love it.
I don’t have to tell everyone beaming how good it is because that’s what I’ve always done it’s what is expected after loss…as how can my pregnancy be bad in any way?I’ve had bad pregnancies right because of the ones I lost? The answer is no, those were never the bad ones unfortunately the outcome was just bad. Then I’ve heard because they weren’t bad you should have known something was wrong? Meaning others do have “bad” pregnancies too…
I am right now loving this life within while not loving all that comes with it at all times. Saying this oddly feels like growth for me. Remember the outside doesn’t always match the inside.
