Gender Disappointment

~ Who knew a balloon in a ditch could pack such meaning. ~

I’ve been holding onto this post for a while for fear of what it may mean to this community… as I know we rob ourself of gender dreams, because all we want is a healthy baby. I feel this so deeply, but when I seen that blue balloon again today in the ditch I took it as a sign to talk about it.

I am beyond in love with our final girl & wouldn’t have our family any other way. Now that she is here it feels completely as it is supposed to be.

But . . . I more than badly wanted a boy.

I think I went off of the signs alone: blue balloons, my psychic, the baby looking like Case on ultrasound, the name we wanted for a boy coincidently appearing on Case’s bag for his books. Phillip jokes that hopefully I learned my lesson not to put all of my faith into a psychic. But looking back, there were flickers of girl vibes too, like pink ropes and pink balloons. I just didn’t give them the attention they deserved.

Let’s just say I have struggled with wholeheartedly thinking Charlotte was a boy. I even messaged my psychic, who explained that sometimes other souls are more eager to be here & maybe jumped the line and have something to teach us.

My brother said that I got by fine with three sisters, to which I promptly responded, “But you had a brother.” I think this came from my own insecurity of trying to give my son a brother & not doing it. I get so emotional everytime I think of our boy Case, & as his mama how I wasn’t able to bring him a brother. I guess I think more about Jude, the son we lost, & how I couldn’t bring him home for Case. I think about how I know many people with only girls or only boys & how lucky we are. When I see Case with Charlotte, my whole heart melts for the love he has for his sisters, & how Charlotte looks just like he did. Not having a brother has never once bothered Case, as he snuggles his sister every morning even saying he loves her the most because she’s the cutest.

Our final baby is so loved, as they all are, but every once in a while I still get a wave & a wink from a blue balloon & it makes me smile. I may not have another boy, but maybe it is so Case can have more special bonding time with Daddy, & that is suddenly even more precious to me.

I just feel like I have to say, the loss of the thought of a boy can & will be acknowledged & is allowed to be. Maybe even more so with loss parents as we grieve the loss of a certain gender we’ve lost before or thought we lost… our life would have looked different.

I had beach days with all my babies. Knowing I don’t get to do that with a boy again, or experience a baby boy running to me saying “one more hug” is bittersweet. You can’t always get what you want, but my gosh do I have the most perfect and healthy family. What more can you ever ask for? But gender disappointment is a type of grief I don’t want to displace. Of course we are beyond blessed (and that’s putting it lightly) and I more than adore my girl. I just wanted to honestly recognize that I felt pulled. It was a very real feeling that has now passed, but I like to keep things real here. I’m not in a place that we would keep trying to get that next boy, as that’s never been what it has been for us. We just want our babies here safely & we are beyond grateful to have them.

This has been hard to write, because I know some people struggle to have a baby and would be happy with any gender. Yet I will still say, that though I got more than I could ever have imagined, I also didn’t get what I wanted. I wanted two boys (& I had 2 boys) & those feelings are valid. I am beyond blessed but that’s what I wanted.

With that said . . . now I focus on my blessings. I know there is no one greater for our family than my daughter. She is exactly as she is meant to be.